Born to Lose (Learn and Grow): The Truth That Sets Us Free

 The Ghost in the Court

I remember being 12 or 13 years old, preparing for my first real match. I was physically nauseous; my heart was pounding so loudly I could hear it in my ears. I was terrified of losing. But I wasn't afraid of the score. I was afraid of what the people at the club would think. I was afraid of what Pier would think. In my mind, losing meant I wasn’t "good enough," that I wouldn’t make the cut, or that I simply didn’t have what it takes.

I was suffering from what Seneca once described: "We suffer more often in imagination than in reality." The reality was that nothing had happened yet. I hadn't even stepped onto the court, but I was already defeated by the "what-ifs." We often assume the worst, projecting a future of failure before we’ve even begun the work.

The Lesson of Fifty Years

Now, at 50+, I have survived life’s losses both on and off the court. Looking back, I see that every failure and setback was the architect of the person I am today. If I could go back, I would tell that 12-year-old boy: It is okay to lose. Losing is not just part of the process.  it is the process.

Without loss, there is no appreciation for the win. Without the fall, there is no respect for the climb. To every child starting their journey, I say from the bottom of my heart: Do not worry. Go ahead and try, over and over again. At the end, you will have a story to tell, not a dream that died with you.

Redefining the Loss

At first, saying "we are born to lose/learn and grow "sounds negative. But consider this: from the moment we are born, time begins to pass. With every passing minute, something is lost. In that sense, losing is life itself.

Life was never about the trophy. It is about the persistence required to reach the threshold of peace and contentment.

The more we lose, the more we learn. The more we fall, the more we grow provided we get back up. Fall seven times, get up eight.

Once you accept this, the pressure vanishes. You stop obsessing over the result and start focusing on the present moment. The fear of losing dies when you realize that losing is simply the fuel for growth.

The Professional’s Cycle

During my time playing squash professionally, the wins were the highlights, but they were preceded by long, grueling cycles of losses. Those defeats were my greatest coaches. They taught me how to adjust, how to sharpen my focus, and how to improve.

Many parents and coaches today push children solely toward the result, investing everything in the "win." But they forget that every successful person in sports, business, or art has tasted the bitterness of loss. The difference is that successful people understand a fundamental truth: Losing is a prerequisite for winning.

The Only Real Competition

From a young age, we put children into races and compare them to their peers. If they are faster, we celebrate; if they are slower, we worry. We forget that everyone is on a unique journey.

The only real competition is with who you were yesterday.

Competing with others is merely a yardstick to measure your own improvement; it is never a judgment of your inherent worth. As Rumi beautifully said, "We were not born to find love; we were born to become love." In that same spirit, we were not born to win—we were born to lose, learn, and refuse to give up.

To the Mentors and Parents

Please, be okay if your child loses or doesn’t get the top grade. Instead of perfection, teach them:

  • Resilience: The ability to bounce back.
  • Persistence: The drive to keep going.
  • Consistency: The discipline to show up every day.

We often talk about "natural talent," but early ease is no guarantee of long-term success. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. The real talent isn't a fast swing or a quick foot—it is self-discipline, patience, and perseverance.

Life is the ultimate teacher. It provides the challenges, setbacks, and failures that no book can replicate. You can read about music, squash, or medicine, but you will never truly know them until you go out, try, fail, and experience them for yourself.

Lose and lose fast. The faster you lose, the faster you learn. Losing is not the end of the world. It is the beginning of your growth.

 

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